A Conversation
by Lattelady
Summary: J-D Romance. Josh overhears Donna as she unravels during a phone conversation with Stanley Keyworth. Chapter 3 is up. THE STORY IS COMPLETE. Donna and Josh finally talk it all out...Cliff, Amy, and Jack...and what love is really all about.
1. With Stanley

**Disclaimer: **They don't belong to me, if they did, this would have happened a long time ago.

**Pairing: **Josh/Donna

**Characters: **Josh, Donna, and Stanley Keyworth

**Rating: **PG-13

**Timeframe: **This is how I would have ended Evidence of Things Not Seen

**Beta: **Special thanks to Caitlin and Becc for beta reading this thing for me. ****The J/D fanfic group is wonderful. When I sent up a distressed call for help doing the beta for Conversation, I got an overwhelming response, thanks to everyone; you are a very generous group.

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**_A Conversation_**

**_Ch 1 ...With _****_Stanley_****__**

_By_

**_Lattelady_**

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Donna Moss sat at her boss's desk. His office was dark except for a lamp that created a pool of light on the folders stacked around her. The West Wing was still in lockdown mode due to shots that had been fired at the White House 45 minutes earlier.

She hoped that if she stayed in the peace and quiet of Josh's office long enough she might be able to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary had happened, but so far it wasn't working. She couldn't let go of the moment when she realized that they were once again under attack, and she was separated from the man who meant everything to her. Common sense told her to go back to her cubical and get to work. There were plenty of things she could be doing while waiting for the all-clear from the Secret Service, but she was frozen in place, as the dim voices of reason were slowly being drowned out by panic.

Her hand reached for the phone for the third time in as many minutes, but this time she didn't pull back. This time she felt the cool plastic of the receiver against her fingers as she gripped it until her knuckles turned white. "It's for his own good," she rationalized as she quickly dialed the number in San Francisco she'd hoped to never need to call again.

"Hello," a young female voice answered.

"I'd like to speak to Dr. Stanley Keyworth."

"Daddy…there's a lady on the phone for you." Donna heard the noises on the other end of the line, family noises; a woman's laughter, a child talking, water running and dishes being washed. Noises that were safe and normal, nothing like the ones that echoed through her head.

"Dr. Keyworth speaking." As the door to his study closed, he was surrounded by the quiet necessary to do his job.

"Stanley, it's Donna Moss." She pushed against the desk with her elbow, causing the large chair where she was seated, to turn until she faced the darkened window behind her. The subtle maneuver cut her off from the light, making her call easier, giving it the illusion of privacy.

"Is everything all right?" He doubted she'd be calling at almost midnight DC time if it was, but, as a psychiatrist, he knew it was more helpful to be the one asking the questions.

"Ahhh…."

"Donna what happened?"

"We were shot at tonight." She pulled her long legs up under her and curled tightly against the back of Josh's chair, while breathing deeply to catch lingering traces of aftershave that clung to the scratchy material under her cheek.

"We?"

"The White House, the press room windows, actually." As she talked she could see it happening as it must have occurred. "I was in the Mess, but I heard the shots, and I think CJ screamed….Stanley,this time** I…heard…the…shots**!"

"Is everyone all right?" He probed past the anxiety that laced her words to hear what she was really saying.

"No one was hurt." Donna licked her lips, unable to keep her mind focused. "Josh is safe." A shudder ran through her body as she remembered another night when shots had been fired and he hadn't been safe.

"Josh..?" Dr. Keyworth nodded to himself. He refused to let himself be side-tracked by her distress and honed in on what she wasn't telling him. "Where is Josh now?"

"What?" She was hearing his words, but they didn't make any sense.

"Where is Josh, and more importantly, where are you?" His tone was calm and commanding as if he was talking to a patient, and from the sound of things he just might be. Donna was about to unravel, something that was highly out of character. Even in the conversations they'd had when he'd first been called in and diagnosed Josh Lyman with PTSD, she had spoken with strength and conviction.

"He's in a meeting. I tried to get him to call you, but he said he was all right." Suddenly words poured out. "He said… but I don't think…I mean someone shot at us…it's like before."

"Donna, are you alone?" The doctor cut off her ramble in an attempt to get her to focus.

"What…?" What was he talking about, and why wasn't he concerned about Josh. Josh had been the one shot three years ago; he'd been the one who had nightmares, and post traumatic stress disorder. "What are you talking about, Stanley?"

"I'm talking about you." He shook his head, unable to believe that he could have missed the signs before this. The number of casualties from that night in Rosslyn just increased by one.

"Me…" She shook her head to deny the fear that was surrounding her. "There's no reason…"

"You didn't answer my question. Where are you and are you alone?"

"I'm alone in Josh's office. I'm going to try and get him to call you when he's through with his meeting…"

"Donna, I can deal with Josh later, now we need to talk about you." Stanley had seen the Deputy Chief Of Staff three weeks earlier for a regular six-month visit. He had given Lyman a clean bill of mental health and hadn't bothered to schedule another appointment. The doctor had told the younger man to contact him if his nightmares increased in frequency or if there were any new problems, but in his professional opinion Josh no longer needed regular visits from the American Trauma Victims Association.

"Me, why me? I'm all right, I'm fine. No one ever shot me. No one ever…my heart is just fine!"

"That's an unusual way to put it." He let her words play through his head before repeating them to her. "You said 'my heart is just fine.' Why would you use those words?"

"Because…" Donna placed her free hand over her chest and could feel the pounding beats under her palm; they corresponded to the thumping in her ears. "Stanley this is ridiculous, I called about Josh."

"I'm sure you thought you did." He shook his head at the pain he was hearing in her voice.

"What are you talking about?" She gasped and pressed deeper into her chair

"I think when that bullet hit Josh Lyman's pulmonary artery and almost killed him it tore a gaping hole in your heart that no amount of surgery could repair. Have you ever talked about that night with anyone?"

"No…I couldn't…I was needed…No." She cleared her throat and fought to get a tight grip on the tenuous thread that was holding her together. "There was no need, I wasn't the one hurt."

"Weren't you?"

"Of course not, I wasn't even there when it happened!"

"But you were still hurt and I think that's why you called me. You need to talk, you're bursting at the seams to talk to someone and you know I'll understand." He held his breath as he heard sobs on the other end of the line. Confrontations were always done best in person. If she hung up on him, he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to get her to open up again.

"I can't do this right now, Josh might…." She rubbed the heel of her hand over wet cheeks, but new tears fell faster than she could wipe them away.

"Josh might what? Fall apart, or discover how much you really care about him?" He heard her gasp as his statement hit home. "Listen to me, Donna, and listen carefully. He is much stronger than you give him credit for, and he has you to thank for a lot of that strength. You were there for him when he was coming apart. You held him together until he was strong enough to deal with things on his own. He's a smart man. Don't you think he knows...?"

"You mean he's cured?" She cut him off quickly before he could say any more. "He'll be normal again. Oh thank God."

"As much as he's ever going to be. Somehow I can't picture Josh Lyman ever being normal." Stanley shook his head; Donna Moss was almost as good as her boss at misdirection. "You didn't let me finish."

"I…what more is there to say?" Her stomach churned and she gripped the arm of her chair with all her might.

"There's a lot to say and you need to say it, or you'd have never made this phone call. I think you've let your fears from the night at Rosslyn blind you to a number of things. Josh got the help he needed; now you need to do the same. And don't think for one moment he doesn't already know how you feel about him. It's what kept him together when things were at their worst."

"Why is this happening now?" Donna refused to listen to the last part of that statement, her head pounded from crying and she was confused. She didn't understand what was happening to her and didn't like it one bit. "I've been fine."

"Yes you have been, but something has happened tonight that's sent you spinning out of control."

"Well go figure; we were shot at tonight, Stanley!" Her anger erupted with an urge to throw something until she remembered a Christmas Eve, and a man with a cut hand, and a broken spirit. "Oh God, no," she gasped. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it." The words came between jagged sobs and she hoped he could hear what she was saying, three thousand miles away.

"Shhhh Donna, it's okay," Dr. Keyworth tried to sooth the crying woman.

"No…no, it…it's not." She fought to control her voice enough to talk.

"Concentrate on breathing." He listened carefully as she forced herself to calm down. "You still with me?"

"Yes, I'm still here." She blinked quickly to clear her mind of the image of her body dangling over the side of a cliff, the tight hold she had on the phone all that was keeping her from falling. "Am I like Josh that Christmas?"

"No, I don't believe so. You just have some things to work through." Stanley smiled and relaxed back in his chair. She had stopped fighting him. "The average person usually doesn't react well to gun fire, especially if someone they know or care about has been injured by it. More happened tonight than you're telling me, add that to everything you've kept bottled up inside you since Rosslyn and this is the result."

Josh Lyman stretched and rolled his shoulders as he strutted through the darkened bullpen. When he rounded a corner he saw a dim light through his office door and could pick up the sound of a familiar voice, though he couldn't make out what she was saying. '_Donna_.' He smiled as he remembered how worried she'd been about him earlier. He supposed he was going to have to call Stanley Keyworth or she'd hound him until he did.

He stopped for a moment a few feet from his door and took his emotional temperature. It was something Stanley had taught him to do. A quick assessment of what he was really feeling. Much to his surprise he was all right. There'd been a moment back there when he'd first learned about the shots being fired that something had rumbled through his head, but it hadn't been followed by the strange taste in his mouth that always preceded an episode. _'Yeah, all right,_' he grinned. '_I finally kicked this thing. I was pretty sure I had, but tonight was the test, and I passed it. Oh yeah, I'm da man_.'

He would have given someone a high-five, if there'd been anyone around to share the moment with, then he remembered there was and took a step closer to his office. That was when Donna's words began to sink in. She was upset, and it sounded as if she were crying. He peeked around the corner and saw her reflection in the window and it made him freeze in place. She was curled in his chair with the phone cradled to her ear. Her long blonde hair was a curtain that hid her face, but he was sure that if he could see her eyes, they would be red and swollen.

He was torn between quietly slipping away to give her the privacy she deserved or…or what…doing what he really wanted to do, but what was that? He squinted as he pictured himself going to her and holding her until she was all cried out. Her body would be soft and supple against his as they moved together in the shadows erasing all the hurts they'd caused each other in the last two years. Then tomorrow, he'd have to find the gomer who was causing her tears and beat him into a bloody pulp. It didn't surprise him when a surge of joy and desire pumped through his veins.__

"Help me," the anguish in Donna's voice brought him out of his reverie and a step closer to the door. "I'll answer any questions you want, just help me figure this out, Stanley."

When he realized who she was talking to, he pulled back into the dark bullpen, filled with anger and doubt. She'd called his psychiatrist behind his back. How could she do that? Didn't she realize he was better? Didn't she realize that he was strong enough to stand on his own two feet and fight his own battles and hers too? Hadn't he proven that to her with the Cliff Calley incident. He was about to walk away in defeat when she began talking again.

"My memory of that night is sketchy. I know I started to watch the Town Hall Meeting on TV, but was so tired from all the work we'd done in preparation, that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I remember is an announcement that shots had been fired at the President and his party while they were leaving the Newseum in Rosslyn, Virginia."

Josh rocked back on his feet. Maybe he wasn't as cured as he'd thought he'd been? Donna was talking about the night he'd been shot. It was something they'd never discussed before. He knew if they had, they would have been unable to fool themselves any longer. What he didn't understand, at the moment, was why it had been so important to lie, even to themselves, because the lie, once created, had turned into a sorry excuse for truth, when they both found other people to _care_ about.

There he stood, late on a Friday night, eavesdropping on a private conversation, needing to hear words he should have forced her to say years ago, words that could have kept her free from the pain she was going through now. In many ways it was his fault. It was a conversation he knew he should have initiated. If he had, he would have said the things he'd wanted to say from the moment he'd handed a tall slim blonde woman his Bartlet for America identification tag.

As she talked Donna could picture that night three years earlier. It had been May and unusually cool for that time of the year. She remembered the worn feeling of the upholstery of her favorite chair and the feel of the cool plastic of the remote control clutched in one hand and her cell phone in the other. She had been drifting half awake and half asleep when the overly loud voice of the announcer brought her suddenly to her feet.

"What happened next?" Stanley coached.

"I don't remember getting to George Washington University Hospital, but I know I must have driven. Then I had to look around until I found an agent who knew me, to let me in." She leaned back against her chair, her eyes closed, completely oblivious to the man standing and listening at his office door.

"How did you find out about Josh?" Stanley had heard the story from a number of the staffers, but he needed to hear Donna's perspective.

"It was Toby." Her tears began again, but she ignored them, too lost in the past to care. "I didn't hear him at first. No, that isn't exactly right, I heard him, but couldn't hold onto the memory of what had been said from one word to the next. It was like they bounced off of me and were lost somewhere in the corners of the room."

"You were in shock." The doctor could picture the waiting area; he's waited there himself on one occasion and knew it couldn't have been easy.

"Once I was able to string it all together, I couldn't hear or think about anything else. I knew there were people waiting with me, but it's all very vague. Sam patted my arm, but I think he left. Mrs. Landingham held my hand for a while. Toby was in and out. Mrs. Bartlet made me get up and…and…walk? Oh God no!" She gasped and buried her face in her free hand.

"What, what about Mrs. Bartlet?" Stanley listened to her cry, and then tried again. "Donna talk to me. Tell me about the walk you took with the First Lady."

She threw her head back and gripped the arm of the chair. "Dr. Bartlet thought it'd help me if I saw Josh when he was in surgery. We were in a hospital and after all it's her environment. Sometimes she forgets that doctors have a unique view of the world." Donna starred off into space, seeing clearly the corridors she'd walked that long night three years ago.

Josh heard her quiet words from the door and leaned his head against the frame. He'd never realized she'd suffered so badly that night.

"There's a small observation window in the operating room. Someone told me later that Mrs. Bartlet had stood watch from there most of the time the President was in surgery. She's a thoracic surgeon. I think it probably gave her an illusion of control to be there. Anyway, it had been a help to her, and she thought it would help me, if I saw Josh. She didn't realize….she didn't know…I mean after all you really can't see much. Everything is covered in drapes...but…but…the machines and the tubes."

"Stop it Donna. Josh is no longer in that room. He's safe! He's in a meeting not vary far away from you, remember?" Stanley fought her for control, but it was a hard thing to gauge when he only had her voice to go by. "Take a deep breath and pull back. That's right; now tell me what you saw."

"It wasn't so much what I saw that night. A few weeks earlier, I'd seen a special on PBS about cardiac by-pass surgery." Her voice was hoarse from crying and it hurt to talk, but she had to get it out. "Did you know that when a patient is on by-pass they stop his heart? That's what the word means, the blood by-passes the heart and lungs and a machine does their job."

"Somehow you knew that Josh was on by-pass?" He shook his head at the careless error that someone had made by underestimating her intelligence.

"Yes." Then Donna went on as if she hadn't been interrupted. "Blood flow doesn't get to the heart or lungs. I don't just mean the kind of flow that is normal when those organs are doing the jobs they were designed to do, but the kind that carries oxygen to their cells to keep them alive. Because of that, the room is cooled. It gets very cold in the operating room when on by-pass." She could see it as if it were happening all over again. "I reached up and touched the window. I did it to be closer to Josh, but the glass was freezing, almost like ice. That's when I knew…it became very real to me…that his heart wasn't beating. They had stopped his heart and I might never know the rhythm of it again."

"Did you tell that to Dr. Bartlet?" Stanley was a doctor and though he hadn't given any real thought to the pathophysiology of by-pass surgery, he was familiar with the process.

"No, I didn't need to, I think she understood, because I was gripping the window for support when I felt her put her arms around me and she guided me to a chair. I wanted to cry so badly, but I couldn't, I couldn't let Josh down by crying all over the First Lady. Then the strangest thing happened, she pulled my head onto her shoulder and rocked me back and forth, like I was a child. Later she walked me to the surgical waiting area, and sat with me for the longest time. After that, there was always someone sitting beside me."

"What did you feel while all this was happening?"

"I didn't feel anything." Donna squirmed in the chair and felt a knot tighten around her chest as tears filled her eyes again. "I haven't cried about that night, or about what happened the following Christmas, until tonight."

"Why do you suppose that is?"

"I wouldn't let myself. Everytime I felt tears welling up in my eyes, I'd refuse to acknowledge them." The answer jumped out at her, but she didn't want to look too much deeper. "I told myself that I couldn't, because if I did, then I wouldn't be any use to Josh, and I'd promised him that I could be useful." She remembered her words from long ago.

"So you buried everything you were feeling and took care of him all those months. Why was that?" Stanley kept digging; he could feel the answer was very close. He'd seen it all the times he'd visited in Washington, and was surprised that Donna hadn't. He wasn't sure how it tied in with tonight, but would bet his practice that something had happened between Donna and Josh either just prior to, or just after, the shooting that caused all her emotions to blow up in her face.

"Because…because…because I'm his assistant." She nodded quickly, accepting the easy answer. "I'm his assistant and I do things like that for him…I'm useful, like I said."

"Donna, I know you too well to accept that answer. Now tell me, what was the real reason?" He pushed harder in an attempt to make her face her feelings.

"He means everything to me!" The words tore out of her in one quick breath. It caught her by surprise at how easy it was to be honest when she'd dug through layers of self-deceit, so she kept on going. "But I messed it up badly. I've hurt him and could have destroyed his career. Oh God, Stanley I've made a terrible mess. And tonight, tonight…"

"What about tonight? What happened in addition to the shooting?" Stanley rubbed his eyes, but kept leaning on her for the truth. "What happened tonight that brought all this out into the open."

"I tried to push him away, again. I tried to hide my feelings from him." She rocked back and forth in the chair, her eyes shut tightly as she tried to remember the exact words she'd used about the young attorney Josh had been interviewing. "I've done it twice before, dangled men in front of him, and each time it ended in disaster. Tonight was no different, tonight there were shots fired at the White House."

"Back up, I'm not following you."

"I told Josh how attractive the man he was going to interview was. I tried to make it sound like our usual banter, but then, oh God, I let the truth slip out. The words just came out of my mouth and I couldn't pull them back. I tried to turn it into a joke, but I'm not sure it worked."

"What did you tell him? What did you say to Josh?"

"I told him…I told him that he was handsome and desirable," she whispered, remembering their conversation outside of the Roosevelt Room. "I tried to make it sound funny, but instead of laughing it off he got an odd look on his face and said my sense of humor was 'a bit of a high-wire act.' He knew, I could tell he knew, but it hurt him. Minutes later we were in lockdown mode."

"What was it that you think Josh knew?" He had a pretty good idea, but he needed to hear Donna say it.

"That I love him." The whispered words slipped out as she covered her eyes with her hand and rested her elbow on the arm of the chair. Tears rolled unchecked between her fingers. "And that I hid behind two men to keep him from finding out." Suddenly she began to laugh, the sound was harsh and bitter, leaving no doubt in Stanley's mind that there was nothing funny about the situation. "With one of them, Josh put himself in danger by using his political power to keep me out of trouble. The other one was my own foolishness. Josh was there for me both times, once with his strength and intellect, then a year and a half later with kindness and snowballs. But each time I did a little more damage to his already scarred heart."

"You need to tell him." During his many visits to the White House, over the last few years, he'd heard and seen many things. Both Donna and Josh had a lot to clear up between them if they were going to repair the damage that had been started with a sniper's bullet on that cool night in May. "You need to tell him all of it and he has some things he should say to you, too."

"I can't. I can't tell him any of this." She gasped into the phone. "It would be…He can't ever find out."

"I already knew a lot of it, Donna." Josh Lyman walked into the room and around his desk until he was standing in front of her. "I wish I'd realized sooner how hard that night was on you."

"Josh!" She cried out and untangled her legs from beneath her.

He put his hand on her shoulder to keep her in place and grabbed the phone as it fell from her hand. "Hey, Stanley, it's been quite a night. Is this another example of two and two equaling a bushel of potatoes?"

"You got it." He smiled as he remembered making that statement to Josh when he was helping him understand the relationship between Christmas music and sirens. "How're you doing?"

"Good." He paused a moment to be sure he was telling the truth. "Better than I'd have thought under the circumstances, and yourself?"

"Fine, thanks. How's Donna holding up?"

"She's kind of a mess, but I think we're going to be okay on this end." Her quiet sobbing was breaking his heart, so he knelt and pulled her head onto his shoulder as he wrapped his free arm around her.

"You need to get her to bed."

"I've been working on it since Christmas, but she just doesn't seem to get the message." It was the truth, and he understood what Stanley was really saying, but he took great delight in trying to mess with the man's head, anyway.

"Josh, I meant to sleep!" The doctor rolled his eyes, and reasserted his assessment of half an hour ago, 'there was never going to be anything completely normal about Josh Lyman.'

"I know. I was just having a little fun with you." He turned away from the phone and nuzzled the blonde head so close to his. "We'll call you in the morning, but not too early."

"Take good care of her." Stanley Keyworth figured it was about time those two people had something break their way. "You two have a lot to talk about."

"We sure do, and thanks for what you did tonight. I owe you one."

"We'll worry about that later, you've got more important things to do."

"Don't I know it." Josh smiled as he dropped the phone into its cradle on his desk.

"How long were you standing there listening?" Donna kept her face buried against his neck, unable to look him in the eyes.

"From my perspective not nearly long enough." He ran his hands over her back to try and calm her shuddering. "I'm going to take you home and you're going to get some sleep. We'll finish this conversation in the morning."

"No." She pushed against his shoulders trying to pull free. "How could you eavesdrop on me like that?"

"Donna." He stood pulling her to her feet with him. One of his arms was securely wrapped around her to keep her body close to his. "Look at me." He commanded and when she wouldn't comply, gently lifted her chin. He'd waited a long time to say what he was going to say and he needed to see her face when he did. "I've…"

"Let me go." She tried to twist away in embarrassment. "This isn't fair, you can't just…"

Exasperated, he could think of only one way to get her to quiet down. He leaned in and kissed her. He'd only planned on a little peck on the lips, they were both too tired for more than that, but once he started kissing her, he didn't want to stop. When she moaned and molded her body closer to his, his tongue moved against her lips and he rocked his hips against hers. They were seconds away from being swept away in a moment of passion, but the way he felt about her didn't leave room for anything momentary. It took all his will-power, but he eased up on the kiss and pulled back from her. Now was not the time, if he did it right, they'd have all the time in the world.

"Donnatella," he whispered as he ran one hand through her hair and the other down her arm to slide his fingers between hers. He raised their hands to press her palm against his heart. "It beats for you, Donnatella, and because of you, no one else. I love you."

"Joshua." Her hand shook under his as she felt the warmth of his chest radiate through his shirt and the steady rhythm of his mended heart. "I…" When words didn't seem enough, she moved their joined hands aside and kissed where they had been resting.

"Come on let's get you out of here, I see the water works are about to start again." He grinned as he supported her arm while she slid into her shoes, then he reached over and turn out his office light.

They were too wrapped up in each other to notice the slim older man, in a neatly pressed double-breasted suit, watching them from across the bullpen. He saluted them with a glass of club soda over ice. "It's about damn time!"

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. Before Sleeping

**Disclaimer: **See ch. 1

**Rating: **High PG-13 or low R

**Notes: **This was to be the last chapter, but it would have gone way long, so I've split it in two. Here is the first half.

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**_Ch 2...Before Sleeping_**

Donna Moss sat quietly beside Josh Lyman as he drove through the late night streets of Washington DC. At every stop light, he turned his head to check on her, expecting to see her slumped against the door, asleep, worn out from her conversation with Stanley Keyworth. Instead, each time he discovered her staring at the dashboard in front of her with her hands folded neatly in her lap. The one time she turned in his direction, lights from an oncoming car glistened off silent tears that ran down her cheeks.

"Here take this." He handed her his handkerchief and fought the need to pull her into his arms.

"Thanks," she muttered and moved her head slightly, so a curtain of hair blocked even her profile.

When they'd left the White House, a few minutes earlier, it had seemed a simple enough plan, get her home so she could sleep and then they'd deal with the emotions that were ripping her apart in the morning. But Josh discovered there was nothing simple about it.

"Come here," he offered as he stretched his arm across the back of her seat. It'd been almost twenty years since he'd driven through late night streets with his girlfriend wedged in between the white leather bucket seats of his mom's Buick Skylark convertible, but he wanted badly to feel Donna pressed tightly against his side like that. It wasn't the safest way to drive, and wouldn't look good if anyone saw them, but he had a deep visceral need to provide comfort and at the moment that was all he could think of.

"No." She shook her head, and held up an unsteady hand as if to ward him off.

Not giving her a chance to turn him down a second time, he laced his fingers through hers and held on tight. To his surprise she didn't try to pull free, but held on as if her life depended on it.

Moments later, when he pulled into the parking space in front of his condo, he discovered that he hadn't lost the ability to downshift, pop into reverse, and then engage the parking brake without unclasping their hands. As a teen it had been the ultimate in cool to be able to do that, now it seemed a practical necessity.

"Donna, we're here," he whispered and caressed her cheek.

"Hmm…" She blinked looking around at her surroundings for the first time. Her mind had been occupied with replaying every detail of her phone conversation with Stanley. She knew Josh had overheard at least part of it, but how much she wasn't sure. Where he was taking her had seemed trivial at the time. "I thought you said you were giving me a ride home?"

"I did…I am." He shrugged, as he got out of the car and went around to open her door. "My home, that is."

"I can't spend the night here." She looked up at the stately old row-houses that had been converted into flats. She'd stayed there with Josh for almost two months when he'd been recovering from the shooting at Rosslyn. Then again for a week when he'd had problems the following Christmas. She loved the hardwood floors, large rooms and crown molding, but the condo belonged to him and he was her boss.

"Sure you can." He grinned as an idea came to him. "You remember the rules."

"The rules were so I could take care of you." She frowned. "And that was a long time ago."

"I'm invoking them now. This time they're so I can take care of you." He grazed her damp cheek with the back of his knuckles. "Let me take care of you, Donnatella?"

Her lip quivered as tears filled her eyes again. All she could do was shake her head in agreement and follow him up the steps to the door. It was a strange experience to have him take care of her, but she was emotionally drained and could hardly think straight.

"Are you hungry?" He offered as he hung up their coats and watched her slip out of her shoes.

"No, my stomach is tied up in knots; I don't think food would be a good idea."

"Yeah you're probably right. I've got some of that herbal tea stuff you like." It was what she'd fixed for him when he'd been too emotionally strung-out to eat. He'd started buying it for himself when Donna's original stash had run out. He doubted he'd have made it through the investigation of President Bartlet's MS and the campaign to follow if he hadn't.

"That'd be great." She looked around uncertain what to do next. Usually she had plenty to keep her busy when things were in an emotional skid, but tonight he was the one taking charge and she was the one who had unraveled. It had been like that once before, but he hadn't taken her home with him that time. _'Don't go there, don't even think about it,'_ a voice whispered from deep within, but it was too late. She shivered caught up in the full blown memory of a cold night, sitting on a bench with Josh, while they waited for a man with whom she'd been intimate to finish reading her diary.

"You're cold." He'd seen her shiver but was too unsure in his new position as caregiver to know exactly what to do about it, so he relied on his experience as the one being cared for. "Do you have the energy for a shower? It'd warm you up." With his hand at the small of her back, he guided her toward his bedroom and opened his top dresser drawer. Smiling he dug for a petite white tank top that he'd kept neatly folded under his boxers.

"A shower would be great. How did you know?" Anything to take away the chill that seemed to come from deep within. A little part of her wondered if there was enough hot water in the world to do that and wash away all the tears she'd shed tonight, too. Better yet, to wash it all away, as if tonight never happened.

"I've been there, remember?"

"Yes," she whispered as the memory knocked the wind out of her.

One look at her panic-filled eyes and Josh dropped the soft cotton top he'd gotten for her to sleep in. "I'm sorry you had to go through that." He murmured as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. "God, Donna, I'd have done anything to prevent…I've always tried to keep you safe. I should've realized how much you were hurting. I should have known."

"It wasn't…I was all right, I…" She gasped and gratefully absorbed his body heat. "You couldn't have known. I didn't, so how could you?"

"But I should have. Those months after the…after Rosslyn you always knew when I needed you." He nodded toward the bed behind him, remembering all the nights he'd awoke in terror from reliving the shooting. She'd held him close as she'd lulled him back to sleep –back to sanity- with whispered words and gentle hands. "You knew when I was in trouble that Christmas."

"It's not the same," she argued with her face buried against his neck. "I wasn't the one sh…shot." She stuttered over the word and trembled, seeing clearly what he'd looked like when she'd walked into his bay on the Intensive Care Unit. It was one of the things that had made her stay and refuse to leave until he did.

"I promised Stanley that you'd sleep before we had that conversation." He forced himself to take a mental step back. The press of her body against his made him feel things that were indecent, when he considered how emotionally fragile she was. Stanley hadn't needed to warn him that talking wasn't the only thing that had to wait until she'd had some sleep.

"I don't want to talk about it any more, not ever." She burrowed against him, teetering on the brink of emotional exhaustion. Stanley had torn feelings out of her that she hadn't realized existed, and then made her verbalize them.

"I know it's hard." He kissed her temple and ran his hands up and down her arms. "But there are things we've left too long unsaid."

"Do you think that's wise?" They'd managed to put their working relationship back where it belonged and keep it there by avoiding emotionally charged personal issues. Never once had they discussed Cliff, Amy, Jack, or even Joey.

"It's necessary." He reached up and pushed a stray lock of blonde hair behind her ear. "But first, you need to get some rest, we both do."

"Will you hold me tonight?" Her voice broke and she couldn't look him in the eyes.

"All night long." He grinned and looked her over carefully. Her face was blotchy and her eyes were red from crying, but he didn't think she'd ever looked more beautiful. "Do you still have the energy for a shower?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "I'm doing better." When she realized it was the truth, she tried to smile, but couldn't pull it off. He'd given her what she needed just then: someone to lean on while she pulled herself together. There just might be something to his idea of letting him take care of her. She had always thought she was the stronger of the two when it came to emotions, maybe she'd been wrong. Josh seemed to be holding down the fort for both of them.

"Good, then take these." He handed her a pair of his flannel boxers and her old tank top. It was what she'd worn to bed most nights that one summer and again at Christmas when she'd stayed with him. "I'll make tea while you shower."

"But, Josh…" She clutched the clothes to her chest. There was something significant about the carefully folded top, but her exhausted mind couldn't figure out what it was.

"No buts." He tilted his head and wagged his finger at her, doing his best 'Donna imitation.' "Remember the rules."

"The rules don't say anything about you bossing me around." She tried to pout, but her voice cracked as new tears choked her throat, completely ruining the effect.

"I guess I didn't tell you, I've added some new ones: the Josh Rules."

"You can't unilaterally make up rules." She would have rolled her eyes at him, but that might have called attention to the fact that she was about to cry again.

"Ahhh, but you set a precedent three years ago, when you came up with the original ones." He put his arm around her and walked her to the bathroom. "Don't you want to hear about the new rules?

"Sure," she whispered. He was going to tell her no matter what she said, so while he was busy talking, she quickly wiped her face against his shoulder, hoping to dry her eyes before he noticed that she was crying again.

"These rules are all about Josh taking care of Donna, so she has to do what he says." They stood in the bathroom doorway and he turned her to face him. "Donnatella," he whispered. "In the Josh Rules, you're allowed to cry if you need to." He wiped away tears that fell faster than he could dry them. "You're allowed to feel anything you want and to express it, as long as we're not at work. Rule number one says, from now on, it's no longer only about what _I_ need that's important."

"Joshua…" She'd known for a long time that she loved him, and he'd said earlier in the evening that he loved her, now for the first time she was beginning to believe it. "What you said just before we left your office, you…you really meant it didn't you?"

"Yes." He gently kissed her damp cheeks, knowing that if he nibbled on her lips as he wanted, all his convictions and promises would mean nothing. He'd take her right there, on the floor, in the hall between his bedroom and bathroom. She deserved better and he did too, so he reached out and outlined her mouth with fingers that trembled. "Shhhh, no more conversation, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me."

Neither broke eye contact as she slowly backed away. "Go on." His voice squeaked as he gripped the wall with one hand and slowly pushed the bathroom door closed with the other. "I'll be here when you're through."

Josh stopped in his bedroom and quickly changed his clothes. As he reached for the boxers he would have normally slept in, the sound of the shower brought his attention back to the bathroom and the woman who was in there. If he was going to make it through the night and keep things platonic, he had two choices: sleep on the couch; or wear more to bed. There was no doubt in his mind that if he woke in the middle of the night with his bare legs tangled with hers, he would roll her beneath him and make love to her before either of them was awake enough to know what was happening.

Even if she hadn't asked, the couch wasn't an option for either of them. He knew from experience that what she needed most right now was someone to hold her as she fell asleep and to be there beside her if nightmares woke her. With a groan he reached for the pajama bottoms that CJ had given him. He shook his head as he pulled them on and told himself it was only for tonight. Then he grabbed an old David Bowie Glass Spider Concert T-shirt and yanked it over his head as he headed for the kitchen.

Donna had used up the last of her energy in an attempt at banter over the rules, now she was feeling washed out and exhausted. The only thing ten minutes under the shower had accomplished was to steam up the room. Thankfully she couldn't see her reflection gazing back at her in the mirror over the sink. The one quick look she'd dared before stepping into the huge claw-footed tub hadn't been pretty and she doubted it had improved any under the hot water.

Moving on auto-pilot, she reached under the sink and pulled out a large jar of Neutrogena Norwegian Formula Moisturizing Cream. It had been right where she'd left it, beside a small zipped make-up bag that contained a tooth brush, lip balm and the hair clip that she'd grabbed earlier to keep her hair in place so it would remain as dry as possible in the shower.

She never questioned what her things were doing in the exact spot she'd left them two and a half years earlier, anymore than she'd questioned the presence of her tank top in Josh's underwear drawer. It felt as if she were moving in a dream, her mind too tired to think. "Later, I'll ask him about them, later," she muttered as she pulled on the boxers, and then the top. "Later, there will be time enough for me to remember why their presence is important."

When Josh came back from the kitchen he was met with the sight of Donna sitting on the side of his open bed, carefully rubbing night cream into her raised left leg. He leaned against the doorframe and watched her as he had many times when she had lived with him. She always followed the same pattern, arms, shoulders, right leg and foot, followed by the left. But tonight, instead of the sure precise movements she usually used, her hands were slow and uncoordinated.

"You need me to get that spot on your back that you can't reach?" He smiled at the thought as he walked over to her and put the mug of tea on the nightstand beside the open jar of cream. '_Just like before,'_ he thought. She never brought the jar into the bedroom with the lid on. He'd always wondered where else she'd applied cream when in the privacy of the bathroom.

"Yes…no…ahhh." She shook her head and tried to clear it, but everything seemed out of focus. All she saw was Josh standing before her with a gentle smile. It seemed so normal, something they'd done countless times before, but her insides were in freefall and there was nothing normal about tonight. "I ahhh…"

He made up her mind for her, when he sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard with the pillow at his back. One of his legs was drawn up under him, the other dangled over the edge of the mattress. "Turn around." Not waiting for an answer, he wrapped an arm around her waist and shifted her as he pulled her closer.

"I don't think…" She could feel his knee against her bottom and his inner thigh was pressed against her outer one. He had her surrounded. "Wait," she whispered. "This might not….Ohhh that's nice." She sighed as his hand slid under her shirt, and straight up her spine. All she was aware of was the feel of his hand moving up and down her back and the strength of his arm that support her weight.

A groan escaped his lips as his touch appeared to sap every ounce of strength from her muscles and she slumped forward, unaware that her shift in position pressed her tightly against his groin.

"That's…going…tooo…put…meee...tooo…sleepppp." Sleep was taking control of her voice as her mind floated further and further away from the conscious world until it bumped up against something that had been bothering her since her shower. Suddenly she was awake and red warning lights were going off in her head. "Wait, stop, I need to ask you some…sommethingggg." She fought to hold onto the question that was making it impossible for her to sleep, but the way he was touching her kept pushing it away.

"Shhhh, we can talk later." Josh was as hypnotized as she was by the feel of his hand rubbing up and down her spine. It was a service he'd preformed for her many times when he'd been recovering. Back then, the sensations created when his palm moved over her back, with only millimeters of skin-warmed cream all that separated them, had given birth to hundreds of fantasies. But it had never been like this, never felt this good, or right, not even in all of his dreams.

"I…" Her mind was wiped almost blank by his touch. There was something important and it had to do with her night cream and tank top, but the thought kept slipping away. "Please, I can't think straight when you do that." Her voice was raspy; tears were very close to the surface.

"There are times when it's all right not to think." He pulled her against his chest and shifted their bodies to the left, lifting her legs with his so they were tangled together on the bed. Her hip was pressed against his groin and her head on the shoulder of the arm which was wrapped tightly around her. With his free hand he pushed the back of her tank top up all the way and reached for more cream.

"Ohhh that's nice." She remembered a Christmas Eve, long ago when she'd held him like she was being held and rubbed his back the way he was rubbing hers. "But wait! Stop!" Her nails dug into the arm that was holding her and she tipped her face upward. "I really need to ask you…" She concentrated completely on the thought that had finally clarified; afraid it might slip away again. "What were my things doing under your sink and in your dresser?" It was a relief to ask the question that had tried to hide each time she remembered what seemed out of place.

"You never took them home the last time you stayed here." He whispered as her eyes searched his for answers.

"But so much has happened since then. I thought. I assumed…"

"I know." And he did know what she was thinking, but he wasn't getting into it tonight. That would mean talking about Amy, Cliff and probably Jack, too. Subjects they needed badly to cover, but not tonight, not when she was so fragile. It also meant telling her about all the hopes and dreams that he had left hidden away under his bathroom sink and tucked away in a drawer. That too would have to wait until the morning.

"Please Josh."

It was obvious she wasn't going to relax until he told her something, so he decided to tell her the truth as he'd overheard Toby teasing CJ about. "They were there as 'the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.'"

"Faith?" Donna recognized the quote from the New Testament, Hebrews 11.1. She was surprised that it was one he would know. "You had faith in me?"

"In us, Donna, in us," he whispered as he pulled her shirt back down and wrapped both arms around her, overwhelmed by the need to feel her body pressed tightly against his.

"I'm so sorry, Josh." She cried and buried her face against his shoulder. She'd almost destroyed them twice and had been about to embark on another folly beginning tonight.

"Shhhh." He comforted her as best he could. "You've got to calm down and get some sleep or Stanley isn't going to be happy with us when we talk to him tomorrow."

"He gives no quarter and takes no prisoners." Donna sighed, cringing at how Dr. Stanley Keyworth had relentlessly pushed her to dig deeper and deeper until she had uncovered a well of pain she hadn't realized had existed.

"I know." Josh ran his hand through her hair enjoying the feel of it against his skin. "But I know something else too: it gets better."

"Does it really? Right now all I seem to be able to do is cry." She tried to smile at him but the effort was ruined by tears rolling down her cheeks. "I don't even know which direction is up."

"But I do, and I'm right here, holding on to you. All night long, I'll be right here."

She couldn't take her eyes off his face. He looked calm in the presence of her emotional storm and there were no signs of backlash from the shooting. Stanley had told her Josh was stronger than she gave him credit for and the proof was right in front of her. "I love you," she whispered.

"I was beginning to think maybe you didn't really mean it when you told Stanley." His face lit up in a dimpled smile.

"I meant it." She was fascinated by something in the depth of his eyes. They burned into hers and made her acutely aware of the hardness that was pressed against her side. It made her feel giddy as her heart pounded and her stomach went on a wild rollercoaster ride. Her body quivered with need and the knowledge that all she had to do was turn, just slightly, to feel him against her abdomen.

"Ahh Donna, not a good idea." He wrapped his legs around her to keep her from moving further. Not necessarily the best way to keep his mind off the fact that only two layers of flannel separated them but it kept her pressed against him as he wanted, and didn't escalate the situation.

"Don't you want to make love to me?" Her eyes were huge and hurt.

"Oh God, more than you know. Well maybe not more than you know, cause you can feel how much I want you…I mean you can hardly miss my…my...I'm pressed against you." He doubted he was making much sense, but was afraid that if he stopped talking he would start kissing her. _'Breathe Josh, just breathe,'_ he instructed himself in the hope that increased oxygen supply to the brain would make him more coherent. A naughty voice in his head laughed and made him doubt that anything would help, since all his blood flow seemed to be concentrated elsewhere.

"Please Josh," she whispered. She was held snugly by his arms and legs, with very little wiggle room. "It would help take away the pain."

"That's why we need to wait." With a moan that he couldn't help, he rolled her over, so she was flat on the bed. For a moment his body had pressed into hers and her stomach had supported the weight of his blood engorged groin. It made his head spin as he fought for control.

"Don't I have a say in this?" Tears ran down her face as Josh held her shoulder in place on the bed while he pulled the cover over them.

"Not tonight." He lay on his back beside her and opened his arms to her. "Come here, so I can hold you." He remembered all the nights they'd lain like that, and how much it had helped him. "Well, come on." He watched her stare at him and didn't realize he'd been holding his breath until he felt her body curl against his with her head resting on his shoulder. It had been their favorite position for sleeping; he hoped it would be again.

"But you said you loved me. I know I love you, and I want you as badly as you appear to want me." She cried with her face buried over his heart. Exhaustion and pain overwhelmed rational thought as she shook with need. "I'm so empty inside. Please help me; please fill the emptiness, Joshua." Her hand move caressingly down his chest, but he gripped her wrist before she grazed his stomach.

"Stop it Donna and think for a moment." He gritted his teeth and wondered fleetingly if Jewish politicians were ever granted Catholic sainthood.

"I don't want to think. I want you to help me burn away the loneliness and pain." She rocked her body against his hip. "You say you love me."

"I do. That's why this isn't going to happen tonight." He gasped and had to swallow the moan that the sensation of her body rubbing against his was creating. "Stop it Donna."

"I don't want to; I want to feel you inside…."

"Donna, no!" He rolled her beneath him and pinned her to the bed, with a tight grip on her wrists.

"I…I…" She shook her head, dizzy and confused. "I…need…you…"

"Donna!" His voice was hoarse and he doubted he'd be able to hold out much longer if she pushed the issue. "Listen to me. This isn't the way it's going to happen!" He drew on all the strength he used when battling a political opponent.

"But…" She blinked and her vision began to clear. His face was inches from hers and in the shadowy-light cast from the bedside lamp; she could make out his tense expression. "Oh God, I didn't mean…I'd never…" The fight went out of her and she lay limply beneath him, having a hard time processing what had just happened.

"Shhhh, it's okay." He locked his elbows against her shoulders and cupped her face in his hands.

"But I almost, I tried…"

"Yeah, how 'bout that, you tried to seduce me." He gave her a full dimpled grin, as he fought to catch his breath.

"I'm sorry," she whispered as tears filled her eyes and she ran her fingers gently over his cheeks.

"When this happens between us…"

"You're never going to let me forget this, are you?" She cut him off embarrassed at what she'd tried to do and a bit apprehensive of what he might say.

"When this happens between us." He rested his forehead against hers and kept on talking as if she'd never interrupted him. "It's not going to be a means to mask pain or erase bad memories. Neither of us is going to be feeling broken or vulnerable. It's going to be…"

"You really do love me don't you?" She looked at him in wonder and smiled as she put her arms around his neck. He could be such a male chauvinist, '_so Josh'_, that it was easy to forget how sweet and kind he could be.

"You're just now getting that, are ya?" He rolled onto his back and pulled her close to his left side with her head on his shoulder.

"I guess I've been kind of confused tonight." She yawned and snuggled against him. Suddenly nothing seemed as important as sleep.

"I think we both have been, but for a lot longer than just tonight." He kissed her temple and smoothed her hair back so he could see her face. "But we'll work the rest of it out tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," she murmured as her hand slid across his chest and covered the long scar that ran in a vertical slant directly over his left fifth intercostals space. "I can hear your heart beating, Joshua." She blinked slowly trying to stay awake as long as possible.

"Only for you Donnatella." His grin made his dimples dance on his cheeks. It was the last thing she saw before he reached up and switched off the light.

"'Cause you love me," she kissed his chin, remembering what he'd said as they'd left the office. "It beats 'cause you love me."

"It sure does. Now go to sleep Donnatella."

"Joshua, I love you too." She wasn't sure if she said it out loud or not, but somehow she knew he heard her anyway.

He lay in the quiet room, listening as she whispered her love for him. Her breathing deepened and he knew she was finally asleep. Running his hand gently through her hair, he thanked God that he'd finally gotten her back beside him.

Now that she slept, he dared to bury his face in her hair and wrap both arms around her to hug her body to his. It had been a close thing, he'd wanted badly to sink deep in her and relieve the sexual tension that had been building since the first time he saw her. But as he felt his body cool and his heart rate begin to return to normal, something from long ago finally made sense.

Josh remembered waking in her arms on Christmas morning over two years ago. He'd always known he'd desired her, but what he had felt that morning had surprised him in its intensity. That morning when he'd awakened; his body had been hard with a biting need to feel hers surround him, not only to satisfy passion, but to drive out pain. His bandaged, sutured hand had moved up under her tank top as she slept. Moments later her eyes had opened. Their blue depths had been hazy and unfocused, filled with desire to match his. Then suddenly she had appeared to wake up and realize where she was. He'd seen the blush fill her cheeks as she'd quietly and firmly pulled out of his arms. Her smile had been as bright as ever, but it had had a brittle quality to it, which had made him want to cry. She had crawled out of bed and headed for the bathroom, where she'd stayed in the shower for a long time. That night, she had slept on his couch, and by the end of the week had gone home.

_Tonight he finally understood_. It hadn't been a sexual rebuff as he'd thought at the time. She had wanted him as badly then as he'd wanted her moments ago. He'd seen it in her eyes when she'd first opened them, but she'd known then what he finally understood now. _Sex used as a diversion from pain or loneliness was only sex, and had very little to do with the tender emotions he felt for the woman in his arms. For her nothing but making love would be good enough._

All this time he'd thought she didn't desire him, didn't care about him as anything but a friend. He'd learned that she loved him a few hours ago when he'd overheard her talking with Stanley, now he was discovering how long she must have been hiding her feelings for him. He wondered fleetingly if that was why they'd both failed so spectacularly with other people, but that was for tomorrow. Tonight there was only her.

"Tomorrow, Donna," he whispered. "Tomorrow, after we talk, I'm gonna make love to you like no one ever has before, 'cause this time it's gonna be the real thing, this time it's gonna be love." '_God, I'm beginning to sound like a girl.'_ He grinned not caring, because he was able to fall asleep with Donnatella Moss in his arms.

TO BE CONTINUED


	3. To Mend Damaged Hearts

**Pairing: **Donna and Josh

**Rating: **PG-13

**A question of canon: **I have knowingly changed Josh's position on the OR table, to give the doctors access to where his incision would have really been.

****

**_Ch 3...To Mend Damaged Hearts_**

Josh Lyman blinked at the clock beside his bed. It was almost 4am and he'd only gotten a few hours of sleep, but he felt better and more rested than he had in a long time. The woman in his arms moaned and moved restlessly against him. It was the third time she'd awakened him in almost as many hours, but he didn't care. Donna Moss was sleeping in his bed, at his side, with their bodies pressed against each other and he knew that was what really mattered.

"Shhhh, it's only a dream." He tried to sooth her into a more peaceful sleep by rubbing his cheek against the silky blonde head that lay on his shoulder and hugging her slim body tighter against his. It had worked twice before in the lasts few hours, he hoped it worked this time.

"Josh…" she muttered and her fingers twitched against his chest where her hand had been resting.

"I'm right here and we're both safe." He stroked her cheek in an attempt to reassure her, but had little success. He felt her stiffen and begin to fight physically whatever was haunting her sleep.

"Where….Josh…" Donna's entire body jumped as if she were startled. "Nooooo, look-out!" She screamed as bullets echoed through her dreams. Up until that night, whenever she had dreamt about Rosslyn, it had always been in silent slow motion. That was a thing of the past. Tonight she'd heard muffled gun shots, which her imagination had amplified until she knew what it must have sounded like in front of the Newseum that night in May and her mind wasn't about to let her forget it.

"Easy, easy, you're right here with me. We're both safe."

"Josh?" She blinked unsure where she was and how she had gotten there. All the while her hands moved over his chest searching for an entry wound, trying to stop the flow of blood that she had seen in her dream.

Even in the dark he could see expressions play across her face, fear, panic, shock, horror and finally embarrassment. "It's all right Donna. I'm safe, nothing happened." He pulled up his shirt and trapped her hands against his warm flesh. "Feel there's no wound, just an old scar. It happened a long time ago." He wasn't sure how he knew what she'd been dreaming, but he did.

"Oh…" her face crumpled. The old dream had been much more real this time. "Oh God," she gasped as she pulled her hands free and swung her legs over the side of the bed. It was hard to believe it had been a nightmare. Her thoughts were still groggy and her body unable to wake-up.

"I'm right here." He ran his hand up and down her back and listened to her breathing as she tried to regain control. "Lay back down, it's Saturday. I'm giving us both the day off."

"Wait." She held her hand up as if to shield herself from his words. Her mind was working at half speed, still caught somewhere between the nightmare and the waking world. It was easiest to concentrate on physical discomforts, which existed in both places. "Thirsty," she mumbled and pulled herself to her feet. "Headache," she added, hoping he would understand. She'd learned over the years that no matter how cleansing to the emotions a good cry was, the headache that followed was a heavy price to pay.

"Come back to bed. I'll take care of you." Josh threw back the covers. "I'll get you what you need."

"Bathroom…" She pointed in the general direction of where she was headed. She knew she wasn't making much sense, but if she thought about what she was really trying to say, it would require her to wake-up completely. The possibility of facing another nightmare was preferable to doing that. Awake she'd have to come to terms with what had happened the night before and more importantly what had almost happened.

"Sorry, but you're on you own for that one, Donna." He grinned as he followed closely behind her keeping a careful watch on her unsteady gait as she crossed the room. It was evident she was still half asleep. "I'll get you a bottle of water and some ibuprofen from the kitchen, while you do whatever…" He left her at the bathroom door and headed down the hall.

His kitchen was fairly new. The couple he'd bought the condo from had had it remodeled, but had kept the original glass doored cupboards. One was smaller than the rest. The summer Donna had stayed with him, she'd turned that one into a spice cabinet. She'd rearranged his entire kitchen for her convenience and he'd left it that way. For a reason he never figured out, she'd placed ibuprofen and vitamins between the pepper grinder and a bottle of almond extract. He shrugged as he reached for the white plastic container. He'd always figured that if he ever discovered what almond extract was used for; maybe he'd know why the drugstore bottles were next to it, instead of in the bathroom where he'd always kept them. It was only one of the many things Amy had tried to change about his living space that he'd refused to let her touch.

When Josh returned to his bedroom, it took a moment for his eyes to readjust to the dark but he found Donna standing beside the bed, staring at the rumpled covers. Silently he handed her the tablets and watched as she gulped most of the water in the bottle. Her eyes were barely half open and she rocked unsteadily on her feet as he guided her back into bed.

"I waited for you," she mumbled when he crawled in beside her and wrapped his body around hers.

"I noticed, now go back to sleep." He tucked his legs under hers and pulled her back tightly against his chest. If he surrounded her completely maybe he could keep the demons away so she could sleep. "It's all right, I'm here." He smoothed back her hair and let it fall across his neck.

"You were right ab…about…" Her body was pressed so close to his that he felt her tremble, even as her words slurred and her eyes fluttered closed.

"Of course, aren't I always?" He ran his finger along her delicate cheek and chin.

"No…," she murmured unable to pry her eyes open. "But this time you were. Three-o-clock in the morning courage isn't so rare if someone is holding you. Thank you for holding…meee…"

He kissed her behind the ear, when he realized she was asleep again, but he couldn't help grinning as he remembered what she was talking about. The first time he'd had nightmares about Rosslyn. Donna had held him close and quoted Thoreau in an attempt to help. 'The three o-clock in the morning courage which Bonaparte thought was the rarest.' He'd told her that it didn't mean shit when it came to nightmares, and besides old Henry David was talking about snowplows or some such thing. She hadn't blinked an eye at his testy response but held him tighter and told him to go back to sleep, she'd guard his dreams. It wasn't until the following Christmas that he'd told her that he wouldn't have been able to find the courage to sleep, if she hadn't been holding him.

Josh woke with a start. For a slit second, he was afraid that the lasts few months had been a dream and he would discover that the woman beside him had brown curly hair and an abrasive personality instead of straight platinum locks and sweetness all the way to her soul. Then his mind kicked into gear, and he didn't have to open his eyes to know who was beside him.

"Donna," he whispered as he kissed her shoulder. "Thank God." That awful moment when he'd thought he'd done something incredibility stupid faded, because he knew, even half-asleep, who was crowded against him. The answer was so simple he almost laughed out loud. When he and Amy Gardner had slept together he never woke up with her in his arms.

They'd spent their nights together much as they had their days and their sex had paralleled their conversations: moments of passion interspersed with arguments and anger. He shook his head and wondered at his own stubbornness. If he hadn't been able to relax in his sleep beside the woman, how had he ever thought he could've built a life with her? He couldn't remember once in all the months they'd been together, waking up with less than a foot of bed between them. They had protectively guarded their own territory on the mattress as fiercely as they had guarded their political views.

With Donna it was always different, they shared an intimacy that transcended the physical. Though they'd never made love, the times they'd slept together, they ended up as they were now: their bodies as close as their minds were when awake. The idea made him grin. If there was a correlation between the way one talked to another person and their sex life, he and Donna could look forward to some very passionate nights.

His eyes traveled over her shoulder. The strap to her tank top had slipped and the slope of one creamy breast was visible where the material gapped away from her skin. With shaking fingers he pulled it back into place, determined not to take advantage of her in her sleep. He'd held out this long another; he'd survive another few hours.

His stomach growled, and he checked the clock on his nightstand. It was after 7am, and he'd slept, except for the few times Donna's tossing had awakened him. More importantly, he'd made it through the night and been there for her! He could admit it now that it was morning, and he hadn't broken down. There had been a tiny flicker of worry last night. What if shots fired at the White House yesterday had triggered another episode? What if he wasn't really as strong as he thought he was? What if Stanley had been wrong when they'd talked a month ago? Worst of all what if he'd ended up being the one who fell apart, just when Donna needed him?

"Josh?" She blinked and turned onto her back. Their legs were tangled together and she could feel his body pressed against her right side. The moment was intimate and gentle and she wanted it to last forever, but knew it wasn't possible.

"Hey you." He propped his head on his hand and smiled as he watched her wake up. She wasn't a morning person and it was always interesting to see the fight she put up. He'd once heard her refer to it as 'mind over mattress'.

"Hey," she whispered, looking everywhere but in his eyes. "Last night really did happen?"

"Yup, and it was about time." He grinned at her. "I'm going to make a Starbucks run. Promise me you'll still be here when I get back."

"I promise." It took her breath away how well he knew her. Given the chance she would have made her escape while he was out.

Josh shrugged deeper into his coat and pulled the collar up around his neck to protect his cell phone from an early spring drizzle that had suddenly turned into a shower. As he pushed speed dial 4 he glanced at the darkening skies, and wished he'd paid attention when Donna had tried to teach him how to make calls in 'hands-free' mode. '_Well at least this time it's only rain, not beef stew,"_ he sighed as he waited for his call to go through.

"McGarry," a voice squawked into Josh's ear, as he buried the phone tighter between his neck and his collar.

"Hey, it's Josh." The White House Deputy Chief of Staff could picture his boss sitting at his desk in the office beside the President's. Even though it was early Saturday morning Josh would bet that Leo McGarry was dressed in a freshly pressed suit and tie.

"What can I do for you?"

"Ahhh…I'm not coming in today and neither is Donna." He negotiated his way around puddles on the sidewalk as he tried to concentrate on his conversation with Leo. "All we had to do was prep for that thing on Monday and I've got most of the material here at home."

"How're you holding up, kid?"

"Me? I'm fine." The question caught Josh off guard, but given the circumstances it shouldn't have. "Things kind of got to Donna last night and she had a rough night. She…ahhh…she was a mess after the lockdown…and ahhh….well we have some things to talk about." He wanted to bang his head against a hard object. '_Way to go Lyman, not very articulate, are we?'_ "Leo, it's like this…" Suddenly something snapped and he was angry. "Why the hell didn't anyone tell me what Donna went through when I was in the hospital. Why wasn't I told how hard it was for her?"

"Easy, Josh. I figured that was between the two of you." McGarry tipped back in his chair and tried to block the memory of how helpless and out of control he'd felt that terrible night.

"Ya think!" Josh sputtered. "Only problem is that it couldn't be between _the two of us_, when only one of us knew about it?"

"I don't think she knew, either." Leo remembered how lost and confused Donna had looked even after Josh was out of surgery.

"And it was politically expedient if we didn't find out?" He didn't like the idea that his friends had kept something like this from him, but couldn't think of any other reason.

"That's not fair." Leo took off his glasses and tried to ignore the little voice in his head that told him Josh might be right. "What were we supposed to say? 'Hey, you guys, I realize Josh is half dead and Donna you're not looking much better, but you know what? I think there may be more to your relationship than boss and assistant.' That would have gone over real well. It would have frightened her away and frankly she was the only one who was able to make you do what was necessary to get well."

"But…

"And you, you would've shut her out and probably died because of it."

"I…" In frustration, Josh slumped into a chair at one of the empty bistro tables that dotted the sidewalk around Starbucks. "You're right, Leo. I know you're right, but I wish we'd have been given the opportunity to find out. It might have saved us both a lot of grief."

"I get the feeling you've got that chance right now." Leo sighed and decided to come clean about what he'd seen late the night before. "Josh, I was in the Operations Bullpen, on the way to your office, when you and Donna left yesterday."

"Oh…ohhh…." He blinked in surprise and looked off into the distance.

"Oh, is right."

"Well than I guess…I guess you know what this call is about?" His brows arched upward as he wondered if he and Donna still had jobs and how much Leo had seen.

"I suspect so." A crooked grin crossed Leo's face. "But I appreciate the heads-up."

"How big a thing is this going to turn into?" At least they hadn't been fired on the spot, maybe there was still a chance.

"That all depends, but let me worry about it for the time being." McGarry swung his chair around to face the door to the Oval Office as a number of scenarios ran through his mind. "For now, you take care of Donna and remember to keep your eye on what's important."

"Leo, no," Josh interrupted him. "Politics don't have anything to do with my relationship with her. Without her, my job means nothing. Hell without her I'm not sure I could do my job. If I learned one thing from Amy Gardner, it was how empty my life is when Donna and I aren't being…well…aaa…_US_." He held his breath as he waited for the explosion on the other end of the phone that never came.

"Thank God some good came out of that fiasco!" Leo shook his head at the younger man. "We're not talking politics here. We're talking about you and Donna."

"But you…what are you telling me Leo?"

"I'm saying that you and Donna are the only ones who haven't expected this for a long time," he chuckled. "Most of DC thinks you're a couple already. Haven't you noticed how many people ask you if you're dating her? I know I've gotten the question more than once and so has CJ."

"But I thought…God, Leo, I didn't realize…"

"I know you didn't, but don't feel bad, as I said earlier, you weren't alone in it. Donna didn't either. When you got out of the hospital, none of us felt it was our place to try and manipulate your lives. Whatever the reason you two had decided not to act on the attraction we saw was none of our business." Today was the day Leo had been dreading and looking forward to since Donna had walked in and declared herself Josh's assistant. Now he had to make it right for everyone concerned.

"I need to know one thing Josh, and I need you to answer me honestly." McGarry stopped for a moment and wondered if was really necessary to ask his next question, but too much hung in the balance for him to assume anything. He cleared his throat and forced the words out of his mouth. "Is this thing between you two for real or is it just an outlet for all the sexual tension that's been building for the last five years?"

"I love her," Josh whispered. "And she…she loves me." He threw back his head and let the rain wash his face clean of all that had come before. "The depth of what I feel for her is so staggering it takes my breath away." He'd forgotten who he was talking to as he relaxed and allowed himself to simply feel the joy, which was loving, and being loved by Donna Moss. "But when I think about it, I know what we feel for each other has been there all along. It's been the one constant in our lives, when everything else has been in flux."

"I noticed, but I think Donna needs to hear that more than I do." Leo grinned.

"Umm…yeah…well sorry." Josh shook his head and brought himself back to reality. "We…ah…still have some things to talk about, but if we work it out, we're not going to wait three more years to do something about it. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, I do and don't worry about it, son." The older man sighed as he juggled the possibilities. He knew if they spun it right, everything would be okay. "I was married to Jenny for over thirty years, and I'd still be married to her now, even as White House Chief of Staff, if I'd remembered one thing: if I'd remembered to love her more than my job. It sounds to me as if you two have that covered. As to the other, you guys be here tomorrow at 3:00. That should give you time to make some decisions. I'll take care of bringing CJ in on it."

"Donnaaa," Josh called as he shook the rain out of his hair and hung up his coat.

"You bellowed?" She wandered out of the kitchen wearing his Harvard T-shirt and the boxers she'd slept in. Her hands were wrapped around the mug of tea he'd brought her the night before and she was gently blowing across freshly microwaved liquid.

"I was afraid you might have left."

"I promised you I wouldn't." In an attempt to lighten the mood she added, "besides you were bringing me coffee, what girl could pass that up?"

"But I thought you liked that herbal stuff." He teased as he nodded toward the cup in her hand and grinned at her. "You mean I was supposed…supposed to…" Josh stopped in mid-sentence and his grin faded when he realized what he was doing. It was too easy to turn conversation into banter. It was what they always did. It was how they'd managed to fool themselves for so long, but no more! "No Donna, we're not going to do it this way."

"You mean I don't get any coffee…"

"I wasn't talking about coffee and you know it."

"Yeah, I guess I do." She scuffed one red polished toenail against his rug and outlined the swirl of colors that were woven together to give it the distinctive faded vegetable-dyed pattern that marked it as an antique of Persian design. "Please, Josh," she murmured, looking at him under the sweep of her lashes. When he shook his head no, she turned away hugging herself.

"It'll be all right, you'll see." He put his arms around her and pulled her back against his chest as he kissed her on the shoulder.

"No it won't be!" She turned in anger, and put her mug down with a clank that punctuated her words. "See out that window? It's light out. It's morning and we're looking at things clearly. We blew it last night!" She had both hands on her hips and her jaw was clenched.

"No we didn't, we finally made it right. We finally admitted to ourselves and each other what we've been feeling for a long time." He had to fight to keep a grin off his face. Donna looked so cute when she was in fighting mode; all he wanted to do was kiss her.

"But that means nothing!" She blinked quickly to keep control of the tears that were threatening to fall. Last night she'd cried enough to make up for the last ten years and she didn't plan on losing control again. In her vulnerable state she'd shown too much of herself and there was nothing she could do to pull back any of the words or feelings she'd exposed, but there was still a chance for damage control. "We wasted our chance. This morning we could have said it was all a mistake, something that happened on the spur of the moment. We could have said we were carried away by the emotions caused by the lockdown." She nibbled her lip and her voice grew hoarse. "I would have liked to make love with you just once." Her final words came out in a hushed whisper.

"Wait a minute." He cupped her cheeks and wiped away tears she'd tried hard to keep from running down her face. "Is that how you really feel? We're only a one night thing?"

"No! Of course not, but we have to put the genie back in the bottle." She gripped his arms tightly. "But I don't know how we're going to do it. I don't think we'll survive another four years like the last ones. I can't pretend any longer that I don't care when you're with other women. And I can't take another four years of being alone." Her voice broke as she leaned her head against his shoulder and gave in to the onslaught of feelings that overwhelmed her. He could just make out her raggedly whispered, "I love you, Joshua."

"I love you too, and I have no plans of spending time in or out of the office with anyone but you. I thought I made that clear last night."

"It won't work." She knew that one of them had to think with an ounce of reason. "The last thing this Administration needs is a sex scandal and that's what we would create." She sniffed trying to regain control as she looked him in the eyes. "Even if I quit right now, there would be problems, because…because…of how we met."

"You're wrong, we can work it out. What this Administration doesn't need is another Cliff Calley, Jack Reese, or Amy Gardner, and that's just what would happen if we tried to put this on the back burner for another four years."

"So you're saying that for the good of the Bartlet Administration we should be together?" She shook her head at his ability to put a politically correct spin on anything he wanted badly enough.

"No, I'm saying it doesn't matter what anyone decides except us." He guided her to the couch and sat down beside her. "I called Leo this morning to tell him how we felt."

"Oh no, you didn't!"

"It turns out he already knew." Josh shrugged with a grin. "It seems everyone but us has known for years." He handed her the double latte he'd brought her and reached for his own coffee.

"No, that can't be." She thought of all the hard work and misdirection she'd used to keep herself fooled, as well as everyone else.

"That was my reaction when Leo first told me." He grinned at her until his dimples popped out. "But it's true."

"How could they?" She looked bewildered as she thought back over the years and tried to pinpoint the exact moment when her friendship and admiration for Josh had changed to love.

"Who knows?" He stared intently into his coffee before taking a swallow. "We've always just been _us_. Well…except for the times when we weren't." He frowned, hating to think of those times, because Calley had been at the root of the first and Amy the second. "Okay, so we conduct ourselves a bit differently than some of our co-workers, but given the amount of work we turn out, no one should complain." He shrugged. "If it had been anyone but Leo, telling me that, I'd have thought he was being a hopeless romantic and seeing things that weren't there. But 'Leo' and 'romantic' don't fit in the same sentence."

"CJ may know, too." She frowned unable to meet his questioning eyes.

"CJ?" Josh's brows rose along with the pitch of his voice. "But how could she…No Donna, she'd say something…or maybe just kill me quietly…if she did."

"She knows." Donna nodded more certain than ever.

"But how?"

"I spent Christmas with her---"

"This Christmas?" He blinked in confusion and surprise as he interrupted her. "But Leo told me he'd put you on a news helicopter for your _get-away_ with Commander Wonderful." Josh's stomach plummeted at the implication of what she was saying. He'd spent a hellish two days fighting the mental picture of Donna and Jack snowed in at a romantic hideaway, when she'd been within easy reach all along.

"He did." She put down her latte and swiped furiously at tears that were running down her cheeks, before wrapping her arms tightly around herself. "When I left the White House I was so mad at you I thought I'd explode. You had as good as admitted that you'd been sabotaging my dates over the last few years, but when I questioned you about it, you clammed up!"

"I was jealous," he whispered.

"I know that now, and I think that on some level I understood it then. That's why I was so angry!" She swung her legs up onto the couch and burrowed into the corner. It gave her courage to feel surrounded by his sofa. "Please just let me tell this, I think it's part of what caused me to unspool last night. It doesn't make any sense, but from my conversation with Stanley I believe the lockdown was just the last straw."

"I think it's the phenomena that the good Dr. Keyworth refers to as 'two plus two equals a bushel of potatoes'. Ya know, Christmas music…sirens, how much do they have in common?" Josh smiled encouragingly as he turned toward her with his arm across the back of the sofa and pulled her feet into his lap. "You had every right to be upset with me."

"But it was more than that. Before we even landed I figured out I was really angry at me." Donna closed her eyes for a moment, picturing everything that had led up to that helicopter flight. "I'd been waiting with the Yale Men's Glee club. Charley was with me, when we heard you bellowing. He leaned over and very quietly told me to leave, and that he'd tell you that he hadn't been able to find me. It was the perfect solution. I'd get out of the West Wing on time and no one would be the wiser, but I just couldn't do it. I kept telling myself it was only the job that kept me there, but I was lying.

"Somewhere on that God awful 'copter ride I figured out the truth. It must have been written all over my face, because when we landed, Jack took one look at me and told me to go back. He said I was spending the holiday with the wrong man. He was right. I would have been, if I'd stayed." A tear rolled down her face, but she didn't notice, she was still lost in the past. "The news helicopter was headed back to DC and he convinced them to take me with them."

"But how'd you end up at CJ's?"

"I just showed up there. I didn't have anyplace else to go. I knew CJ would be there, because by the time I left work there was so much snow she'd told me she wasn't going to attempt to get to her brother's, as planned." Donna sniffed trying not to sound as pitiful as she'd felt that night. "I'd found out from one of the news guys that my neighborhood was one of many that was affected by a power outage. I didn't know what else to do. It must have been about two in the morning by the time we landed. The city was cold and it was still storming."

"You could have called me." It cut him to the quick that she'd turned to someone else for help that night. "You know that, anytime, anywhere. How many times have I told you that?"

"No I couldn't. Not after what you'd implied that night." She shook her head trying to make sense of the confusion that had filled her head. "I held it together until CJ opened the door. I really thought I had myself under control, but then I stepped into her hallway. It was warm and there were candles and Christmas lights, even a fire blazing in the fireplace. Danny Concannon was sitting on the sofa with a brandy snifter in his hand. Seeing him there made me miss you even more, but I just couldn't…not after what had happened…I mean what would you have thought if I'd just shown up at your door?" Her voice was thin and breathy as she fought to keep from crying.

"I'd have been relieved and happy to see you," Josh whispered.

She shook her head needing to finish what she'd started to say. "I took one look around CJ's living room and began to back away. I had intruding and hated it. Then suddenly I burst into tears. She led me to the couch, but wouldn't let me tell her why I was in DC instead of with Jack, and then she handed me over to Danny." Donna laughed when she remembered the look CJ had given the reporter, along with a warning that if he ever wanted to darken her doorstep again, anything he learned that night had better be off the record. "She left us alone until I was all cried out. I got the feeling she didn't want to know what had happened."

"Plausible deniability." Josh nodded.

"I figured it was something like that."

"You must have been in the living room with Danny while CJ was calling me to invite me for Christmas dinner?" Josh had turned down the invitation in favor of sitting at home feeling sorry for himself. "I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I'd have gone."

"Jack was a good guy. He deserved better than I gave him." Donna sighed. "He deserved someone who didn't have to make an effort to just…to just…"

"To just…what?" Josh whispered as he turned and pulled her onto his lap, and then shifted his body so they were half lying, half sitting on the couch. He hated that he needed to know the exact nature of Donna and Jack's relationship, but there was a cold emptiness in the pit of his stomach when he thought of them with naked limbs tangled and damp from passion.

"To just be with him," her words came out on a sigh and she gripped Josh's hand tightly to keep from trembling. It felt good to finally say it out loud, but she was ashamed of herself for being unable to give more to the Navy Officer. "No matter how hard I tried, we couldn't get past the friendship stage."

"But I thought…we all thought…" He left the question hanging, unable to ask what he needed badly to know.

"No," Donna shook her head. "We didn't…he was kind." The unspoken words were written clearly in Josh's eyes. "He…ah…wanted to, but I wasn't ready…so…ah…he was willing to wait. We…we were going to at Christmas…I'd told him we would, but…" She tried to smile, but her eyes filled with tears. "He was a nice guy in the wrong place at the wrong time and I took advantage of him."

"That's why you took the blame for leaking that story to the press?" Suddenly things were a lot clearer.

"Yes, I felt I owed him." She shrugged as if that explained it all. "It was the least I could do."

"But why'd he let you do it? If he cared enough about you to send you back to me at Christmas, why didn't he come forward and set the record straight a few weeks later." It made Josh's teeth ache every time he though about how much trouble Donna could have gotten into.

"He didn't know. He'd left on his new assignment by the time I called CJ and I doubt he had time to look at any news papers. They shipped him out of DC pretty darn fast." Donna shook her head a little bewildered. "Did you go to Leo and tell him the truth? I find it hard to believe that I've never heard a word from him about it."

"Nope that wasn't my doing." Josh shrugged and tried to look innocent. "When the entire news story was read it was pretty easy to tell you hadn't given the quote." He was glad Donna had asked the question the way she had, because he'd been able to answer her honestly. There were things he couldn't tell her and one of them was that Nancy McNally had wanted it kept quiet that one of her people had let something slip to the press. She'd gone to Leo when she'd gotten back in town and asked him not to pursue the matter. Josh knew that Dr. McNally viewed General Hutchinson's action toward Jack as an attempt to undermine her office and she planned on dealing with the General on her own.

"It still seems so strange…" Donna muttered.

"I guess you could say that Jack was your Joey Lucas." Josh laughed and shook his head in an attempt to change the subject.

"You can hardly compare the two." Her brow arched and she watched him over her shoulder. "You didn't go out with Joey."

"Nope but if I had, then she would have been my Jack.

"How do you figure that?"

"She could have been important to me, but you were already there." He sighed and thought about the day he'd met Joey. "I was attracted to her at first, but always found a reason not to ask her out." He grinned to himself. "That should have been my first clue. I usually find an excuse to do something, if I want it badly enough."

"Not always," Donna whispered thinking it had taken him six years to be here with her.

"I stand corrected." His breath tickled her ear and his lips followed close behind. "Only those things that make me look like a jackass and would totally screw up my life…Hey, you're supposed to stop me here and tell me how wonderful I am."

"No, I agree with the jackass assessment." She pressed her body tighter against his and tipped her head to meet his wondering lips. He tasted of coffee and everything she'd ever dreamed of.

"God, Donnatella," his voice was thick with desire as he pulled back and rested his chin on her shoulder. "God…how could I have not seen? We almost missed…God Donna, you're right. I was a jackass."

"Not entirely, you never did ask Joey out." Donna's pulse raced. All she wanted to do was keep on kissing him.

"Yeah, well as much as I'd like to take all the credit for that I can't. By the time she was around doing the polling for the State Of The Union, she wouldn't have gone out with me, even if I _had_ asked her."

"What do you mean she wouldn't have gone out with you?" Donna was indignant that anyone wouldn't find Josh desirable.

"Easy there, Tiger." He smiled and ran his hand through her hair. "It isn't what you think. She wouldn't have dated me, because she knew you liked me and I've got an idea that she realized the feelings were mutual."

"That's crazy. She was a virtual stranger, who'd spent very little time around us. She wouldn't have picked up on anything. Not that there was anything to pick-up on at the time."

"Since Joey is deaf, she compensates with her other senses. She reads body language as well as lips." He thought for a moment and pictured what Donna and he must have looked like with no soundtrack running. He had an idea it must have been a dead give-away. "Anyway, when we were going over the President's polling numbers following the Address, she and I argued about their meaning." He grinned as he remembered how surprised he'd been at Joey's revelation. "She said we weren't asking the right questions and the example she gave was you." Listening to a voice for long ago, he attempted to remember Joey's exact words. "She said that if we polled 100 Donna's they'd all say that I should go out with Joey. What the numbers wouldn't tell us was that all those Donnas responded the way they did because Donna cared about me and was afraid it was starting to show."

"That's not why…no, I didn't…" She clasped her hands over her mouth as tears filled her eyes. "She was right," Donna whispered. "But I didn't realize it at the time. I just thought…I just thought…I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time."

"It doesn't matter, because _she_ wouldn't have mattered. My heart already belonged to someone else, my head just needed to figure it out." He pulled her tighter against his body. She felt so right leaning against his chest with his legs wrapped around hers. "I'm glad I didn't start something with her, she's a nice woman and I'd have hated to hurt her."

"You mean like I did Jack?" Donna bit her lip and closed her eyes.

"You didn't do it on purpose."

"Didn't I?" She could remember the exact moment when the young Navy Lieutenant Commander had become attractive to her. "I'd invited him to the Election Night Party because I didn't want him to feel left out, but then we came around the corner of the Operations Bullpen and Amy Gardner was draped all over you wearing a skimpy red dress. I…I…just about lost it."

"You were jealous?" He couldn't hide the grin that crossed his face. When he was dating Amy, he had known that Donna hadn't thought she was good enough for him, but he'd never realized why.

"Of course I was jealous, and it made me do foolish things." She sniffed but couldn't look at him. "I tried Josh. I really tried to make Jack _The One._ I was sick of being hurt and all I could see ahead of me was four more years of being alone."

"Shhhh don't cry. That's all in the past." He rocked her back and forth against his body and tried to ignore what it was doing to his peace of mind. "If it's any help, I was jealous, too. I hated seeing you with Jack, even that first night."

"Well it would have been really helpful if you'd been your usual self and sabotaged my dates with him, like you did with the others?" Having him admit that he'd been jealous caught her by surprise, especially since he'd been instrumental in getting Jack to ask her out the first time. "In fact, why didn't you just ask me not to go out with him, or any of them for that matter?"

"I did!" He protested.

"No, the Deputy Chief of Staff whined about his assistant's use of her personal time, but I never heard a word from Joshua Lyman." She wondered if he understood the distinction.

"You mean all that I'd have had to do was ask?" He smiled sheepishly.

"Just ask." She turned in his arms and her breath caught when she realized her hip was pressed into his groin.

"I never knew. I never understood." He looked at her a bit bewildered. "Even if I had, it's a hard thing to do. It would have meant leaving myself vulnerable and that's not done in politics."

"But we're not politics." She argued.

"I know it now." He shook his head at his own shortsightedness. "I knew it by the time Jack came along, but I couldn't ask you to stop seeing him." His expression was pained when he thought how badly he'd treated her in the last year. "I couldn't, not after what you'd been through with Amy. If you'd found someone nice while I was out making a fool of myself with her, I couldn't very well expect you to drop everything the minute I wanted you too."

"You're kidding?" She smiled sadly. "I figured Amy Gardner was my punishment for Cliff Calley."

"God, Donna, I'd never…it wasn't like that." Josh held her closer than before. "Please believe me; I wouldn't do that to you."

"I do, maybe it's just guilt talking, because I know I hurt you. You tried to hide it behind a wall of political anger, but I knew you'd been hurt personally." Donna dreaded admitting it, but a tiny core, buried deep inside needed to know that she had mattered as much to him as he had to her, even back then. It was the only way that her months of misery when Amy had been around would make any sense.

"Yeah," he whispered and caressed her cheek. "It hurt. It hurt a lot, but I covered it with anger. It was the only way I could do what needed to be done. I figured I'd fall apart later, when I'd dealt with the situation."

"But what you did for me could have destroyed you politically." Donna was frantic when she thought about what her indiscretion with Cliff Calley could have cost Josh. "It could have cost you everything."

"Not everything." A smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. "As long as you were safe, nothing else mattered."

"Oh Joshua…" Tears filled her eyes and she gently kissed his cheek. "I didn't know, I never realized."

"How could you, I was a real son-of-a-bitch to you for weeks." He shook his head remembering how he'd gone out of his way to be difficult and the only excuse he could think of at the time had been anger.

"Last night when you asked me what your stuff was still doing at my apartment, I knew you were asking why Amy hadn't thrown it out. Well the only time it ever was in any danger was the night Cliff read your diary."

"Josh, I'm so sorry," her voice cracked at the implication.

"I came home that night exhausted. I didn't take off my coat, just headed straight for the bathroom. I remember sitting on the floor and staring into the cabinet under the sink. I grabbed your make-up bag and jar of cream and tossed them in the waste basket; as if that would make things better and wipe away the pain I was feeling."

"No," she moaned.

"I tried to get up, but my legs wouldn't hold me. I don't know how long I sat there shivering from the dampness. I needed to hold you, but was unable to because I'd sent you home cold and wet instead of…instead of…." He shrugged unable to express the conflicted emotions he had felt after their meeting with Calley. "Finally I reached into the basket and pulled out your cream. When I opened the lid I could smell you as if you were beside me. That's when I knew I couldn't do it. I put the jar back under the sink and retrieved the make-up bag and set it beside it. Too much of my life was wrapped up in those items, too many dreams and hopes." _'And a number_ _of extremely erotic fantasies,'_ he added silently. "If I threw your things away I would have been throwing away the one person that had given me a reason to fight back after Rosslyn and again at Christmas."

"How could you even stand to be around me after what I'd done?" Her voice broke as she was overcome with crying.

"What was it you'd done? Saved my life when I gave the doctors a hard time when I was recovering from major surgery? Figured out, and gotten me help when I was balancing on the edge because nightmares followed me into the waking world? Or how about all the hundreds of little things you do for me everyday that allow me to do my job?" He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her tightly. "Making the deal I did with Calley was only a small repayment of all I owed you. Don't you see, for once I got to be the strong one, for once I was able to take care of you."

"It's not the same." She trembled when she thought about how it could have gone if someone had found out what they'd done.

"Yes it is. You were used by that rat-bastard Republican political wannabe. He's the one I should have blamed, though I know I didn't, I made your life as hard as I could for almost a year. It was during that time that Amy happened, though I've never been able to figure out why. Back in college she was in the background, my roommate's girlfriend. I had run into her at some political functions over the years, but it meant nothing. I don't really understand why all of the sudden I thought she was so attractive."

"I do." Donna smiled sadly. "After you were…you were…after Rosslyn, we lived together for three months. Most nights we shared a bed, but we never allowed ourselves to become intimate."

"We were pretty damn intimate." His voice was husky as he remembered those nights. "I know the sound of your breathing as you sleep beside me at night and the little noises you make as you wake-up in the morning. I can't say the same about anyone else."

"Ohhh…" Her eyes teared up and she laid her head on his shoulder. He was surrounding her and it felt wonderful. "You're right, but that made the problem worse. We were…we were more than friends, much more than boss and assistant, but we weren't lovers, and couldn't be. Once we returned to the office we worked hard to get back to where we had been before…before…"

"I was shot?" He said the words she couldn't make herself to say. "And then went to pieces at Christmas."

"Yes, before then," Donna gasped. "I think by May we were beginning to get our professional balance back, though we slipped every once in a while." She smiled to herself remembering the night they'd tried to 'find the funny' in the Correspondence Dinner speech. The night she'd finally told him the truth about leaving Dr. Freelove. The night she told him that if he were hurt she wouldn't stop for red lights. "Then the MS thing happened and Mrs. Landingham died and we were sent spinning out of control again.

"Those days before Toby told me what was going on, I knew that something terrible had happened. You were busy and it frightened me because I could see…could see…panic in your eyes. I kept telling myself that if I worked hard enough and kept moving fast enough we would get to the other side, but nothing seemed to work. The one thing, I think, we both understood was that we couldn't backslide to where we'd been six months earlier.

"At night all I wanted to do was curl up beside you and hang on as tight as I could." Her voice broke at the strong rush of feelings the memory provoked.

"Donna…" Josh whispered.

"But we knew that couldn't happen." She talked faster and faster as emotions poured out of her. "So we shut each other out."

"Donna!" He caressed her wet cheeks and made her look up at him.

"So I had couches moved into the basement and created a place were people could crash in between…"

"Donnatella…" He rolled her beneath him and brushed her hair out of her eyes. "Shhhh Donnatella, I'm right here. And I'm not going anyplace."

She took deep breaths to try and stop the tears. "Anyway that's why Amy happened. We always watched each other's back, but we had to keep a distance between us so we stopped being us. We stopped being Josh and Donna. We needed someone who had nothing to do with work, nothing to do with the hell that was breaking over our heads and trying frantically to bury us. We needed someone, anyone to take away the pain!" She cried out. "Anyway that's why Amy…Amy…happened."

He sighed and pulled Donna closer. There it was, he'd closed Donna out just when she needed him most, no wonder she'd turned to Calley. Josh had let his fear for the President overwhelm everything else. Instead of turning to the one constant in his life, he'd pushed her into another man's bed. He only had himself to blame. He figured he'd known it at the time and that's why he'd been such a shit at work, but that didn't explain Amy.

"I think that's why you accepted a date with Cliff," he whispered.

"No…" She shook her head in denial.

"What else could you do, I'd all but deserted you, then pushed you to the edge with long hours and work demands." He ran his hands through her hair, enjoying the silky feel of it against his skin. "I knew you were as frightened as I was about what was going on around us, but I locked you out and threw away the key because you were the one person who could see right through me. I thought I had to keep my fear hidden or I'd have just been poor crazy Josh. The man who goes off the rail when he's needed most."

"No! Don't talk like that." It sent her insides spinning when he spoke that way. "You're being too hard on…"

"And you're being too nice. I went a little crazy that summer, and I'm not talking about one of my usual nutties, that would have been easy compared to what I was feeling." For the first time he thought back to that time objectively.

"Something snapped in me." Josh shook his head. "I began to live the image I liked to project. I became the _pit bull_. In a way Amy Gardner was the perfect match for the man I was then. She was every bit as hard and cold as I felt that fall. I used her as I never could, or would, have used you. She may have been a power dater, but I was out looking for a power fuck!"

"Oh God," Donna gasped. "I could've, I mean…you didn't need to look elsewhere…"

"Yes…yes I did." He shook his head. "I knew even then that if, and when, we made love it would be just that, making love. That's not what Amy was about."

"I still wish…"

"No you don't. It would have destroyed us." He leaned in to kiss her. "I would have destroyed us, but never again. That'll never happen…"

The ringing of Josh's cell phone made them both jump. One look at the caller ID and he immediately answered the call. "Hey, Stanley, I thought we were supposed to call you?"

"You were, but since it's almost 1:00 your time I thought I'd better make sure you were both all right."

"We've had a lot to talk about." Josh moved up onto his knees on the couch and pulled Donna with him. The morning had been emotionally charged for both of them, but they'd covered a lot of ground.

"How's it going?"

"Why don't you ask Donna." He handed the phone to her and gripped her other hand to keep her close by.

"Hi, Stanley," Donna hoped her voice didn't sound as hoarse over the phone as it did to her ears.

"How're you doing, kiddo?"

"I can't seem to stop crying."

"You've kept a lot of things bottled up for a long time, there's bound to be some reaction." Stanley was glad to hear that she was setting her emotions free. "Did you sleep all right?"

"I…well…I had a nightmare," she whispered, it was silly to think Josh might have forgotten, but she felt the need to try and hide the fact from him.

"What about?"

"The…ah…the…you know Rosslyn." Donna's body crumpled back into the corner of the couch. "Whenever I have…nightmares, it's always the same, but this time it had sound effects." She spoke quietly, her words devoid of emotion.

"Say it Donna, use the words." Stanley pushed.

"I can't, please don't make me."

"Yes you can, I've heard you." The psychiatrist was being tough and he knew it, but Donna needed to stop hiding from the past before she could move happily forward.

"No…no I can't…" she whispered. She was distracted from her conversation when Josh moved from the couch beside her, to the coffee table in front of her. "Oh God," she muttered as he slowly pulled his shirt over his head and she was faced with the physical evidence of _that night_.

"Donna, what's going on there." Dr. Keyworth hated doing these things over the phone, but he knew that timing was everything and this was Donna's time.

"I…ah…" Her hand could hardly hold the phone, so she dropped it beside her.

"Come on Donna, tell Stanley what you see." Josh prodded as he picked up the phone and handed it back to her. "You can do it, I did, and I'm a much bigger sissy, than you are."

"Josh's scars," the words tore out of her. She'd seen them before, even changed his dressings after surgery, but they'd never seemed as real to her as they did at that moment.

"What caused those scars?" Stanley realized that he was getting some help on the other end of the line.

"He had surgery to remove…a bullet…because he was…_shot_." As she said the word she shuttered and leaned forward as if in a trance to run her finger over the incision site. The doctors had cut a long line through the fifth intercostal space where the bullet had entered his chest. When she'd first heard what kind of surgery he was having she had assumed they would have opened his sternum. It had surprised her to discover him lying on his side, in what Dr. Bartlett had called 'diver's position'. She knew that to this day he still had aches and pains from spending fourteen hours on his right side.

"Stanley," Donna sighed, her fingers still following the arch of the scar. "I overheard the nurses talking one night. They didn't understand how he'd survived. Not just the surgery, but the…the…_shooting_," the word came out in a gasp, but both men heard it. "They said that anyone with a torn pulmonary artery should have died at the scene, because with every beat of his heart, blood was pouring into his chest cavity instead of going to his lungs. He should have died, but he didn't." She dropped the phone and burst into tears.

Josh picked up his cell and held onto Donna as he talked. "Hey, Stanley, can we get back to you later?"

"I'm not sure you'll need to, but you've got my number. Feel free to call anytime day or night." The man in San Francisco smiled gently as he sipped his espresso. "I'll e-mail you a list of people for her to choose from. She should have some follow-up with someone in DC. It might be helpful if she goes to Dr. Collins, since he already has a lot of the background from you. But let her choose."

"Is she going to be all right?"

"Yeah, Josh she is. She's been carrying this around for a long time. It's good that it finally came out. I doubt she'll need more than a few sessions with whomever she picks. Congratulations by the way, it's taken you two long enough to figure out how you really feel about each other."

"Ya know I'm hearing that a lot today."

"I'll bet." Stanley laughed. "Keep on loving each other and you guys'll be all right."

"I just wish you'd told me that a few Christmases ago, it might have saved us a lot of trouble."

"A good psychiatrist never tells a patient anything, he only leads him in the direction of self-discovery. If you don't learn it on your own, you'll never really understand it."

"It took us long enough, but I think we've…ah…got this one…ah…down pat." Josh was having trouble breathing, since Donna had never stopped running her hand over his chest. It was making his head spin and his hands tremble. "I gotta…ah…go…ah…Stanley. We'll keep in touch," his voice cracked on the last word sending it into octaves usually reserved for sopranos.

"You do that." Dr. Stanley Keyworth grinned as he hung up his phone. He'd heard the breathy quality to Josh's voice and the trouble he was having speaking in complete sentences. It didn't take an MD to know what had caused that.

"Donna, wait, stop." Josh grabbed her by the wrists to keep her hands off his sensitive skin.

"I don't want to stop." Each word was punctuated by a kiss. Her mouth worked its way over his surgical scar. "You could have died. You should be dead. I've been so afraid for so long."

"Oh God…" he pulled her to her feet with his body tight against hers. "I'm sorry, I never understood." His hands and mouth moved frantically. His lips touched every inch of skin he could see and his hands worked to reveal more to kiss.

"Josh wait," her voice was raspy with passion as he pulled the sweatshirt she'd been wearing over her head. "I want…No I need to come to terms with what happened to you," she whispered as she ran her hand over each puckered scar. "That way I know you're really alive."

"Come with me." He gripped her hand and led her into the bedroom. "Not all of my scars from the surgery are on my chest." He couldn't take his eyes off her. She'd smelled and tasted like heaven and he wanted more. He'd always known she was a passionate woman. Passionate about her likes and dislikes, passionate about what was right and what was wrong. Up until now he'd thought he'd seen her passionate about him. Their banter was a form of passion. When it had first begun, he'd thought of it as foreplay, but over the years he'd come to realize it was the safety valve that had kept them from ending up where they were headed right now.

They stood at the foot of his bed. He was dressed in sweatpants and she in a tank top and boxers. She examined every inch of his chest first with her finger tips, and then with her mouth. She nibbled her way over the old incision scar. Then her tongue and lips worked their way from one scar to the next; over a pinkish line where a chest tube had been and then the small pucker where by-pass tubing had left his body. She stood on her toes to kiss the small stab mark where a central line had been placed on the left side of his neck about an inch above his collar bone.

"My turn," he whispered and reached for the hem of her top.

"But you said there were others…" she looked up at him, before she lifted his hand to her mouth and licked the ragged scar on his palm. When he moaned in response to her pink tongue, her eyes were so filled with need that there was only a slight ring of blue around her enlarged pupils.

"Only one other," he smiled as he took her hand and held it to the left of his groin, where his leg met his body.

Donna's head fell back and she leaned against Josh for support. She knew what the other scar was from. She'd seen the tubing going to the by-pass machine when she'd watched surgery, but she hadn't known where it had entered his body.

"Don't think about it Donnatella." He moved her hand slightly to the right, until it was covering the proof of his need for her. "Think about this." He moved his hips so there could be no doubt in her mind what he was referring to. "You're right I could have died, but I didn't. I'm sick and tired of living my life as if I did. I love you and I want you. No more pretending, no more misinformation or misdirection. He watched fear be replaced by love and wanting and knew he'd made his point.

"I love you, Joshua," she whispered as he reached again for her tank top. This time she let him pull it over her head.

"God you're beautiful…" His hands shook as they moved over her skin and cupped her breasts. He wanted to kiss her everywhere at once, feel her, touch her, be inside of her and have her surround him. Suddenly his frenzy stopped as he realized he was rushing for nothing, they had all the time in the world. Somehow they'd been given a second chance. He was going to take full advantage of it and make love to her with as much care as she deserved. After all they had the rest of their lives together and this was only the beginning.

"Joshua?" She looked up at him with hunger and doubt.

"I love you Donnatella," he murmured as his nimble hands moved beneath the boxers she was wearing, and slid them over her hips until the flannel pooled on the floor at her feet. "And I plan on loving every inch of you," his husky voice rang in her ears, as she felt his hands and mouth move over her body.

Later he held her close as her breathing returned to normal and her tears of passion dried on her face. "Are you all right?" He knew that no matter how gentle he'd been at the beginning, he'd lost it there at the end. She was everything he'd ever wanted and she was finally his, it had been too much in those last moments when his passion had overwhelmed him.

"You were perfect. And I loved knowing that I could make you feel that way." She smirked at him.

"Pretty proud of yourself there aren't you?" He grinned as he kissed her eyelids. "I noticed you weren't exactly unaffected by the whole thing either."

"No I wasn't." Donna put her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, rubbing her breasts against his chest. "Why did we wait so long?"

"I don't know, but part of me is glad we did. Now we know that this is real, not some momentary flux in hormones." He felt his body beginning to need hers again and knew she felt it too. "We've been through so much together. There isn't anything we can't do."

"No there isn't," her voice was heavy with need as her hands caressed his back.

"Marry me, Donnatella." It was more a statement than a question.

"Oh yes, Joshua," she whispered. Tears filled her eyes one last time, but he was there to dry them before they could fall.

On Monday morning the following article appeared in the Washington Post:

**_It's About Time_**

_By_

**_Danny Concannon_**

_(On special assignment in __Bermuda_

_Life in __Washington__DC__ can bring out the best and the worst in people. I've been a political reporter most of my adult life and I've seen and written about a lot of things that make me wonder why we even bother trying. But every once in a while a story comes along that is a testimony to man's resiliency and a joy to all involved. It's a happily ever after, in a town that is rough on the spirit and hell on the emotions. It tells of people who were willing to give up everything for the ideals they believe in, but were lucky enough not to have to._

_I have the pleasure of announcing the engagement of Ms Donnatella Moss, Senior Assistant of Operations to Mr. Joshua Lyman, White House Deputy Chief of Staff._

_I've watched these two people working together for years, always putting the needs of the Administration and the country ahead of their own. Though it has been obvious to most of us who have lived, or worked in or around the Beltway, for any length of time, that they were meant to be together, somehow that information has always eluded them._

_I don't know what made them finally see the light, but I'd hazard a guess it had something to do with bullets being fired at the White House on Friday night. You will recall that three years ago, Mr. Lyman was badly wounded and almost died when two gunmen shot at the President and his party while leaving the Newseum in __Rosslyn__Virginia__. Maybe it was the grim specter of death once again looking their way, or maybe it was just their time. Only Ms Moss and Mr. Lyman know for sure._

_Beyond the fact of the engagement, Press Secretary CJ Craig's only statement was that the White House did not comment on the personal lives of its staffers. As a member of the Press Corp who has known Ms Craig for a number of years, I couldn't help but notice the delight that lit up her voice when I contacted her for verification of the news._

Leo McGarry read the carefully worded article written by Danny Concannon. They had been right to let him leak the story. As both CJ and Donna had pointed out on Sunday, the reporter had sat on it since Christmas so he really did deserve the exclusive. '_It was nice to know that there was one reporter the Administration could count on not to screw them over for a headline,' _Leo thought to himself as he moved toward his office.

It looked like it was going to be a good spring this year, unlike the last ones they'd spent in the White House. They had Zoey's graduation to look forward to, and a wedding. CJ and Toby had been right about Donna and Josh, as well. The public loved a good love story. '_Yes,'_ Leo thought. _'It was going to be a good spring.'_

**_And Donna and Josh Lived Happily Ever After (after all no matter how hard it got, they had each other to lean on)_**


End file.
